Republican leaders are furious with Alabama Governor Robert Bentley for breaking with the conservative tradition of having sex scandals involving gay sex or minors. Bentley resigned for misappropriating campaign funds to cover up an extramarital affair with his top advisor, Rebekah Mason – a consenting, adult, woman.

A Republican insider said, “We have a name for men we who have an affair with a consenting adult woman; we call them Democrats. We prefer our sex scandals to involve molestation and homosexuality. That way, the sanctity of the relationship between man and woman is not corrupted by sin. It’s like he took a page from Bill Clinton’s playbook. He should have taken a cue from Larry Craig. When a real Republican is feeling weak and lonely, he heads to a public restroom reputed to be a hot spot for gay sex, not a hotel with his female advisor!”

Another insider said, “We really only have three acceptable types of Republican male politicians: those who you would suspect had to use artificial insemination to impregnate their virgin wife; those who have sex with gay men and/or children; and those who treat unmarried women as sex objects through serial sexual harassment, sexual assault, and/or physical abuse.”

Asked about the roles of female Republican politicians, he said, “We try not to think about them, unless they are hot, like Palin.”

I couldn’t understand who this behavior could be defined as having “values”; so, I inquired. My source said, “It would be difficult for an outsider to understand, lacking our values. It is about the sanctity of marriage. These acts may be reprehensible, but they do not destroy the sacred pact of between husband and wife. Gay sex, molestation, and rape – that is not ‘sex’ in the same sense. If we do fornicate with women, we treat the women as sex objects or abuse them. Reducing liberated and unmarried women into sex objects makes them not ‘women’ for the purposes of our values. In one act, we punish them, and get to make them fair game for our own amusement. We have priorities, even when we sin.”

“If you think about it, who a Republican politician can have extramarital sex with resembles the list of people that Mike Pence can have dinner alone with. There is a reason for that – values!”

I challenged the notion that his was any sort of values at all, and questioned how a party known for homophobia and anti-gay legislation could support these actions, let alone the abuse of women and minors. I was told that as someone in a non-married monogamous sexual relationship with an atheist, “my debaucherously lifestyle blinded me to the truth of Republican values”.

President Donald Trump stood up for Bentley, saying, “Robert is a good guy. He just needs to up his game a bit. Conservatives had issues with me too, back when I was only accused – falsely of course, very bad – of raping my wife. Now that I have tons of sexual assault claims against me and I bragged about it on tape, the conservatives get enough of me. They eat it up. It’s tremendous.”

Here are some of the heroes of the Republican party, who have faced sex scandals to keep the Christian women in their lives pure and free from their sexual advances:

• Bob Allen – offered $20 to perform oral sex on an undercover policeman
• Robert Bauman – solicited sex from teenage male prostitute
• Lou Beres – molested teenage girls
• Larry Craig – solicited gay sex in an airport bathroom
• Charlie Crist – allegedly paid gay men to hide affairs
• Richard Curtis – paid gay male for sex
• Mark Foley – sent sexual texts to teenage boys
• Ted Haggard – ongoing affair with male prostitute
• Phillip Hinkle – paid for gay sex
• Jon Hinson – exposed self to gay policeman
• Michael Hintz – affair with seventeen-year-old girl
• Troy King – caught in bed with a man by his wife
• Glenn Murphy Jr. – performed unwanted oral sex on passed out man at a party
• Chris Myers – paid for a “Rent Boy”, a male escort
• Edward L Schrock – messages on gay sex line