Alternative facts, satire, and fake news

Alternative Facts

Susan Collins Frankly Defends Her Kavanaugh Vote

Susan Collins is known for being willing to vote against her Republican colleagues and Trump’s agenda. Her decision to vote in favor of Brett Kavanaugh assured his confirmation, and her speech explaining her decision was called “a travesty”, “selling out all women”, and “a butt-licking condescension that evaporated what little integrity Collins and her Republican colleagues had left.”

In a private email to an upset female friend, obtained through satirical sources, Collins frankly defends her actions.

“You may say that I have sold out victims of abuse and due process of law– that we could have delayed the confirmation and done a proper investigation, or we could have chosen any one of dozens of other arch-conservative candidates without these issues, and you are right, but we are dealing with much more important issues.”

“We have issues like poverty. 43 million Americans live in poverty. That is not nearly enough. Each American not in poverty represents money that could be given to the wealthiest Americans, also known as Republican donors.”

“And that is where Kavanaugh is key. While there are many conservative judges we could force onto the court – Brett Kavanaugh style – Brett Kavanaugh’s positions on executive power are nearly unique. Within a few years, through gerrymandering, voter suppression, Russian meddling, and Fox News propaganda, we may have such a lock on the country that we are unstoppable; but now, there is a very real risk the democrats could gain control in November. If we lose Trump – and possibly Pence – to the Russia investigation, we will could lose our rubber stamp in the White House.”

“We are working on another tax cut for the super-rich. There are rich people who cannot afford a private jet parked in every city that they own homes. It is critical we redirect more money from the poor and middle-class to help the struggling rich. This is more important than rape. It is the only sort of rape that matters – raping the country for the rich.”

“Social security and Medicare still exist. You may not understand that these programs are self-funded by payroll taxes, and that these taxes are special – they are regressive taxes that affect the poor more than the rich. It is critical that we bankrupt these programs to give even more money to the rich. Anything else would be un-American.“

“And don’t forget that I just got a one-million-dollar ad campaign by voting for Kavanaugh. Dr. Ford wasn’t offering a million dollars. And now, I don’t have to worry about a Russian agent slipping me some Polonium.”

As always these days, we need to clarify that this post is satire. Susan Collins didn’t say any of this. We sincerely doubt she is that honest, even with her friends. We live in a time when satire sounds like reality, and reality sounds too insane to even be satire. We’re not trying to be fake news, and although this sounds like something an honest Republican should say, no, it is just us making fun of their hypocrisy. Have a nice day.

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Congress to Legalize Deadly Force for Traffic Stops

Congressional Republicans have proposed The Fair Policing Act, officially legalizing the use of deadly force by police in any traffic stop and setting expectations for citizen behavior after being pulled over. Republican leaders explain, “We are not supporting police violence. We are simply realigning our laws to be in sync with accepted police practices and existing court rulings.”

One Congressman, speaking anonymously, explained the intent of the legislation:

“We currently have a bramble of state and local laws and standards for police traffic stops, but because the Graham versus Conner makes lethal force legal if an officer ‘fears for his life’, lethal force is effectively legal.”

“What we are doing here is protecting both police and motorists by resolving the confusion. Many people falsely assume there is no reason they would be shot, beaten or killed at a traffic stop. That is simply not true. This legislation protects citizens by setting clear expectations, as it will protect municipalities from protests and lawsuits based on false expectations of the police.”

“The law will set rigid standards for the behavior of police and citizens at traffic stops. Police are to exit the vehicle with their weapons drawn and target the vehicle. Citizens are to slowly open their vehicle doors, keep their hands in view, slowly crawl onto the ground, and interlock their hands behind their heads. Failure to comply allows police to use lethal or non-lethal measures, as they see fit, to immediately secure the situation.”

“Driver’s education will be modified to train citizens how to exit their vehicle and safely assume the position. A small federal tax on traffic violations will be used for ad campaigns to teach other drivers and passengers the new standard”.

“I want to be very clear, the idea here is to teach people that it doesn’t matter if you are old, disabled, angry, confused, sick, pregnant, under the illusion you have civil rights at a traffic stop, or wounded by a previous encounter with the police – you get on the ground and assume the position, or you will be shot.”

“This law will save many lives.”

“The law also puts a very clear expectation on police to control the situation, with clear penalties for violating standards. If, when the people in the vehicle have exited and are on the ground, the police are still afraid or feel they cannot control the situation, it is at that point that they should fire tasers, release police dogs, empty their clips into the citizens, or handcuff and then beat them while saying ‘stop resisting’. We do not want more confusing physical conflicts. The police should resolve the situation immediately.”

The bill has garnered controversy, and strong resistance among Democratic politicians, although Nancy Pelosi has failed to issue a clear statement regarding the law.

Republican Senator Rand Paul has stated that although the bill is concerning for its impact on state’s rights, but that he is “all for reducing confusing regulations affecting our police officers”.

Attorney general Jess Sessions says he likes the intent of the bill, but he worries that the bill “discriminates against white people by setting the same harsh standards for white motorists as used for other motorists, which is simply not fair.”

President Trump praised the legislation as “Landmark. Tremendous. This will restore peace and freedom to American communities.”

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Republican Congress Creates the House Committee on American Activities

Congressional Republicans have reconvened a version of The House Committee on Un-American Activities. Like the original committee, which was disbanded in 1975, the committee will investigate subversion and disloyalty, and seek to blacklist or indict suspicious individuals.

The committee name has been subtly changed from focusing on “Un-American Activities” to focusing on “American Activities”.

Representative Steve King, who will chair the committee, explains, “Many activities that are thought of as ‘American’ are weakening our nation and preventing progress of the conservative agenda that will make our country great again. We will target these activities directly, and address people abusing The Constitution to support their unpatriotic behavior.”

“Groups like Black Lives Matter and the people behind the Women’s March abuse the right to assemble. They are inciting violence and are undermining our government.”

“Journalists are abusing freedom of speech to challenge the conservative agenda with their so-called ‘facts’. They are muddying the national dialog and also inciting violence.”

“Across the nation, women feel they have the right to have abortions and use birth control, simply because it is legal. Our non-immigrant population is shrinking, and these immoral women are the cause.”

“Judges block our legislation and the President’s executive orders, using The Constitution to cripple our progress, and groups like the ACLU fire off lawsuits faster than bullets from an assault rifle.”

“Activists arguing for the separation of church and state trample the freedom of businesses and individuals who do not want to deal with gay couples and single mothers; and they attempt to block Betsy DeVos’ efforts to redirect funds from our public schools to private and religious schools”.

“Late night comedians and people on the internet regularly mock the President, weakening our democracy.”

“People demand we shame our country by teaching our children about our history slavery of and genocide against native people.”

“Liberals argue against deploying our troops to fight in other countries, then demand we pay billions of dollars for their healthcare when they return. They need to decide whether they support our troops or not.”

“Many Americans consistently argue against the fact that America was founded by and for white men, and was made great by white men; and they attack groups like the KKK and the alt-right who stand up for this idea.”

“And somehow, the idea that ‘America is a nation of immigrants’ has become an excuse to let the hungry, the poor, and criminals from all over the world into our country, to the point that white people barely are the majority in our country.”

“The committee will address all these efforts of liberal subversion to undermine our vision for the country. I am proud to be the chairman.”

President Trump immediately praised the committee and took credit for the idea, calling it “Tremendous” and “exactly what we need to make America great again”. He praised Steve King as the choice for the committee, saying, “He’s perfect. He was born to lead this committee.”

House Speaker Paul Ryan explained, “The original committee was largely focused on Soviet spies and fascists. We no longer need to deal with these threats. The Axis powers were defeated, and Ronald Reagan ended Soviet communism. Now, we have many patriotic Republicans who identify as neo-fascist, and Russia clearly does not pose a threat to our democracy. Instead of international interference, we need to focus in internal subversion, from protesters, groups like Black Lives Matter, and the media. The name change represents this shift in focus.”

Jeff Sessions defended the committee saying, “Well, many people falsely associate the original committee with McCarthyism. Joe McCarthy was a senator, like I was. He never served on The House Committee. People say the original committee went on ‘witch hunts’, but I don’t see what’s wrong with that. Actual witches put hexes on you and dance with the devil. Fake witches are lesbians and encourage people to reject Christ. I will talk to Representative King about getting witches put on the list of people he investigates”.

Senator Elizabeth Warren criticized the committee, saying “It’s goals are clearly Unamerican and Unconstitutional, and it revives a tradition that ruined innocent lives as part of hysteria of the red scare. Representative King’s reinterpretation seems to add a racist and sexist agenda.” King responded by saying that Warren’s comments were, “exactly the sort of activities we will be investigating. The committee will be speaking with her shortly.”

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Republicans Address the Rash of Police Violence Caught on Camera

Dashcam, bodycam, and cell phone video of excessive force and shootings by police are leading to increased anger and activism about police violence and lack of accountability. The recent acquittal of the officer that shot Philando Castile fanned the flames by highlighting that “reasonable fear” can excuse an officer from accountability even for an unnecessary killing.

In a shift from their frequent reaction of denying police culpability, major Republicans have come together to address the issue through staunch support for the Peace Officer Act introduced by Texas Senator Ted Cruz.

Cruz explains the bill, “More and more upsetting videos of violence and shootings by police are being released, leading to increased protests and anger, especially in the minority communities. This anger increases the likelihood of more violent incidents. The Peace Officer Act will reduce the anger and help restore confidence in our police, by making it illegal to release police or civilian video of violent incidents involving police, without Department of Justice approval”.

Senator Orrin Hatch praised the bill, “Our law officers have a tense and difficult job. They should not have to fear walking into a situation and being shot -- by a video camera -- and then having their careers ruined just because they kicked a handcuffed man on the ground in the head one or two times, or because they panicked and accidentally fired seven shots into a car with an innocent man, woman, and child inside”.

Despite the increased burden upon his department, Attorney General Jeff Sessions enthusiastically supports this bill, saying, “This will help restore order in our inner cities. I don’t recall a more important piece of legislation for our law officers.”

Regarding the use of cameras, Sessions explained, “Oh, we will keep the cameras. In some cases, the video exonerates the police officer of wrong doing. You know, we would want to release those. Also, in some communities, it just would not make sense for one of these violent incidents to occur. We would want to review those videos.” Asked what communities he was referring to, Sessions replied, “Well, I can’t speak to that.” Sessions also stated that with this new legislation to reduce the issues regarding police violence, it will no longer be necessary for the Department of Justice to continue police reform agreements from the Obama administration.

The bill also includes a five percent reduction in the capital gains tax, which Cruz explained, “These incidents generally occur in poor communities. Decreasing the capital gains tax will stimulate job growth and further reduce tensions in these communities.”

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan indicated that he expected the bill to pass quickly in the House of Representatives, once it clears the senate. Ryan noted that the Freedom Caucus may want to add to the bill, most notably a clause to standardize police on carrying submachine guns, hollow point bullets, and military grade anti-personnel grenades. He explained, “It is an innovate concept. If police shootings with no legal recourse occur because officers are afraid, what better solution is there than loading our officers up with military hardware? Who will be afraid when your partner can just frag the whole vehicle? And this would have the added benefit of increasing jobs for producers of military hardware.”

Democrats have vowed to speak against the bill at great length, before it eventually passes.

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Fox News Merges with Russia Today

Fox News Merges with Russia Today

With ratings falling, the loss of star anchors to sex scandals, advertiser boycotts, and even conservatives realizing the network is more than biased and less than news; Fox News made a surprising move by announcing its merger with Russia Today and rebranding as Fox News/RT.

A Fox insider explained, “We’ve been hurt by scandals and by being uncompromising apologists for the increasingly unpopular Trump administration. We looked for a cobranding or merger that would be popular with our base, but the best choices were not possible. It’s not like we can just come out and unite with Breitbart and The Daily Stormer officially without taking a hit.”

“When we looked for a news outlet that shared our values: conservatism, sexism, homophobia, racism, Islamophobia, pandering to business at any cost, and outright support of the Trump administration; it turned out that we were very compatible with Russia Today – even if we are a bit edgier than they are.”

“And let’s be honest, acting as Trump apologists in the face of blatant evidence of collusion between the administration and Russia, we are both already effectively part of the propaganda wing of the Russian government. The choice was more obvious than you think.”

“Look at the Seth Rich saturation. We picked up the story from extreme-right websites, which were fed by Russian propaganda. When the story was discredited and his family was demanding a retraction from Fox News, the story was revived by a Tweet from the Russian embassy. We work very well together.”

“Russia Today has done a stellar job of marketing itself as a valid alternative to the mainstream media. Like us, they have managed to make propaganda and outright lies seem to their base to be more honest than facts from reputable journalists. They are an inspiration to us, and we are proud to be working with them.”

“Also, you have to realize the crisis we are in. We are floundering, and internally in chaos. Let’s just say most of our biggest names came to Fox not only to say horrible things about women, but do horrible things to women. The blowback from O’Reilly is really cramping our style. We are at risk of losing our audience and our top personalities. Do you think Sean Hannity, as vacuous as he is, could make himself spew such inane bullshit every day just for fame and money without the opportunity to sexually harass women? Hardly.”

“But selling our western democracy to Russia, in order to get rich from shady Russian investments, that is something almost everyone at Fox can get behind, and it brings us the support of both the White House and the Kremlin. Shep Smith won’t get on board with it, but we only keep him around so there is some kooky host that liberals don’t completely hate.”

Beyond the rebranding, the changes in Fox are already showing. Fox and Friends has begun to make call outs not just to Trump, but Putin. To be more compatible with Russia Today, Fox is increasing its attacks on the GLBTQ community and running more articles undermining faith in our European allies. Our inside source says that next month, Fox will begin directly airing Russian propaganda to convince conservatives that Russia deserves to annex Ukraine.

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Spicer: Teaching Us about Lies and Prepositions

Sean Spicer did not hide in the bushes - like Michelle Bachmann would while awkwardly spying on a GLBTQ rally. He hid among the bushes. It is an important difference. Like how the AHCA will give millions of people with pre-existing conditions access to health insurance. They won't be able to afford it, but they will have access. Distinctions.
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Alabama Governor Discards Republican Values Taking Cues from Bill Clinton

A Republican insider said, “We have a name for men we who have an affair with a consenting adult woman; we call them Democrats. We prefer our sex scandals to involve molestation and homosexuality. That way, the sanctity of the relationship between man and woman is not corrupted by sin. It’s like he took a page from Bill Clinton’s playbook. He should have taken a cue from Larry Craig. When a real Republican is feeling weak and lonely, he heads to a public restroom reputed to be a hot spot for gay sex, not a hotel with his female advisor!”

Michael Flynn in Critical Condition after Polonium-210 Exposure

Michael Flynn, President Trump's former national security advisor who offered to testify to congress and the FBI in exchange for immunity last week, was rushed to the hospital Friday night. Flynn is in critical condition after exposure to Polonium-210, the radioactive material used to assassinate Putin critic Alexander Litvinenko. Trump responded to accusations of Russian involvement in Flynn's poisoning by taking to Twitter, denying suspicions as "Fake news" and saying "Many people are exposed to Polumium-210".

The War on Microwave Ovens

Never mind Russian spies and hackers. The Microwave is watching you, and it needs to be stopped. (And not just by pressing the Stop button).

Trump releases the "wrong" country from travel ban?

Mr. Trump’s initial ban which was issued on January 27, 2017, included seven middle eastern countries including Iraq and Iran. However, The President decided to reconsider one of the countries after he viewed a video made by what he thought was the Iranian government, which explained to him the extent of their advancements, or lack thereof, and their disdain for former Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.