Susan Collins is known for being willing to vote against her Republican colleagues and Trump’s agenda. Her decision to vote in favor of Brett Kavanaugh assured his confirmation, and her speech explaining her decision was called “a travesty”, “selling out all women”, and “a butt-licking condescension that evaporated what little integrity Collins and her Republican colleagues had left.”

In a private email to an upset female friend, obtained through satirical sources, Collins frankly defends her actions.

“You may say that I have sold out victims of abuse and due process of law– that we could have delayed the confirmation and done a proper investigation, or we could have chosen any one of dozens of other arch-conservative candidates without these issues, and you are right, but we are dealing with much more important issues.”

“We have issues like poverty. 43 million Americans live in poverty. That is not nearly enough. Each American not in poverty represents money that could be given to the wealthiest Americans, also known as Republican donors.”

“And that is where Kavanaugh is key. While there are many conservative judges we could force onto the court – Brett Kavanaugh style – Brett Kavanaugh’s positions on executive power are nearly unique. Within a few years, through gerrymandering, voter suppression, Russian meddling, and Fox News propaganda, we may have such a lock on the country that we are unstoppable; but now, there is a very real risk the democrats could gain control in November. If we lose Trump – and possibly Pence – to the Russia investigation, we will could lose our rubber stamp in the White House.”

“We are working on another tax cut for the super-rich. There are rich people who cannot afford a private jet parked in every city that they own homes. It is critical we redirect more money from the poor and middle-class to help the struggling rich. This is more important than rape. It is the only sort of rape that matters – raping the country for the rich.”

“Social security and Medicare still exist. You may not understand that these programs are self-funded by payroll taxes, and that these taxes are special – they are regressive taxes that affect the poor more than the rich. It is critical that we bankrupt these programs to give even more money to the rich. Anything else would be un-American.“

“And don’t forget that I just got a one-million-dollar ad campaign by voting for Kavanaugh. Dr. Ford wasn’t offering a million dollars. And now, I don’t have to worry about a Russian agent slipping me some Polonium.”

As always these days, we need to clarify that this post is satire. Susan Collins didn’t say any of this. We sincerely doubt she is that honest, even with her friends. We live in a time when satire sounds like reality, and reality sounds too insane to even be satire. We’re not trying to be fake news, and although this sounds like something an honest Republican should say, no, it is just us making fun of their hypocrisy. Have a nice day.