Congressional Republicans have reconvened a version of The House Committee on Un-American Activities. Like the original committee, which was disbanded in 1975, the committee will investigate subversion and disloyalty, and seek to blacklist or indict suspicious individuals.

The committee name has been subtly changed from focusing on “Un-American Activities” to focusing on “American Activities”.

Representative Steve King, who will chair the committee, explains, “Many activities that are thought of as ‘American’ are weakening our nation and preventing progress of the conservative agenda that will make our country great again. We will target these activities directly, and address people abusing The Constitution to support their unpatriotic behavior.”

“Groups like Black Lives Matter and the people behind the Women’s March abuse the right to assemble. They are inciting violence and are undermining our government.”

“Journalists are abusing freedom of speech to challenge the conservative agenda with their so-called ‘facts’. They are muddying the national dialog and also inciting violence.”

“Across the nation, women feel they have the right to have abortions and use birth control, simply because it is legal. Our non-immigrant population is shrinking, and these immoral women are the cause.”

“Judges block our legislation and the President’s executive orders, using The Constitution to cripple our progress, and groups like the ACLU fire off lawsuits faster than bullets from an assault rifle.”

“Activists arguing for the separation of church and state trample the freedom of businesses and individuals who do not want to deal with gay couples and single mothers; and they attempt to block Betsy DeVos’ efforts to redirect funds from our public schools to private and religious schools”.

“Late night comedians and people on the internet regularly mock the President, weakening our democracy.”

“People demand we shame our country by teaching our children about our history slavery of and genocide against native people.”

“Liberals argue against deploying our troops to fight in other countries, then demand we pay billions of dollars for their healthcare when they return. They need to decide whether they support our troops or not.”

“Many Americans consistently argue against the fact that America was founded by and for white men, and was made great by white men; and they attack groups like the KKK and the alt-right who stand up for this idea.”

“And somehow, the idea that ‘America is a nation of immigrants’ has become an excuse to let the hungry, the poor, and criminals from all over the world into our country, to the point that white people barely are the majority in our country.”

“The committee will address all these efforts of liberal subversion to undermine our vision for the country. I am proud to be the chairman.”

President Trump immediately praised the committee and took credit for the idea, calling it “Tremendous” and “exactly what we need to make America great again”. He praised Steve King as the choice for the committee, saying, “He’s perfect. He was born to lead this committee.”

House Speaker Paul Ryan explained, “The original committee was largely focused on Soviet spies and fascists. We no longer need to deal with these threats. The Axis powers were defeated, and Ronald Reagan ended Soviet communism. Now, we have many patriotic Republicans who identify as neo-fascist, and Russia clearly does not pose a threat to our democracy. Instead of international interference, we need to focus in internal subversion, from protesters, groups like Black Lives Matter, and the media. The name change represents this shift in focus.”

Jeff Sessions defended the committee saying, “Well, many people falsely associate the original committee with McCarthyism. Joe McCarthy was a senator, like I was. He never served on The House Committee. People say the original committee went on ‘witch hunts’, but I don’t see what’s wrong with that. Actual witches put hexes on you and dance with the devil. Fake witches are lesbians and encourage people to reject Christ. I will talk to Representative King about getting witches put on the list of people he investigates”.

Senator Elizabeth Warren criticized the committee, saying “It’s goals are clearly Unamerican and Unconstitutional, and it revives a tradition that ruined innocent lives as part of hysteria of the red scare. Representative King’s reinterpretation seems to add a racist and sexist agenda.” King responded by saying that Warren’s comments were, “exactly the sort of activities we will be investigating. The committee will be speaking with her shortly.”