Missibama, Conservative Utopia
Missibama, Conservative Utopia

Make Alabama and Mississippi a Conservative Utopia


Conservatives resent much of our Constitution. They seem to hate equality. They resent our system of checks and balances. They attack the free press, public education, and other pillars of democracy. They want to legislate Christianity and violate the separation of church and state. Conservatives like to talk about secession and fantasize about bringing back The Confederacy.

Let’s let them! We could organize Alabama and Mississippi into a large semi-autonomous conservative reservation. The new territory would be allowed to institute its own constitution, likely consisting largely of the Second Amendment. They would be able to ignore separation of church and state, freedom of speech, public education, voting rights, equality and non-discrimination legislation, due process, checks and balances, and the right to privacy.

We could allow them to remove all environmental regulations that do not impact neighboring states, and they could allow their children to frolic in as much industrial waste as they desire.

They could make the Confederate battle flag their national flag. They can add a swastika, if they want, to make their new state more appealing to the alt-right. We can send them every Confederate statue from the rest of the country, and they can build the world’s greatest monument to racism and backwards thinking.

They could form a Christian theocracy. They could make being a climate change denying, creationist, evangelical, anti-vaccine, gun owning, flat-Earther neo-Nazi a requirement for holding public office. They can ban science. They can take Fox News and Breitbart with them.

They could outlaw abortion, contraception, and sexual education while eliminating healthcare for poor families and all early childhood development programs, and then proclaim their nation officially “Pro-Life”! The could offset the population boom with massive programs of capital punishment and for-profit imprisonment.

They could keep each other safe by arming everyone over the age of ten with an AR-15 and proclaim that all shooting victims are to blame for their own deaths. They could make it illegal to even discuss school shootings.

Conservative Utopia! Missibama!

Alabama and Mississippi would be an ideal place for the conservative experiment, already being highly conservative and evangelical, while being weak in education and healthcare.

Obviously, we would have to clearly state that they did not have the right to legalize slavery, and any attempt to do so would result in sanctions or military action.

We would need to create programs to help conservatives relocate to the territory. More importantly we would need a program to assist in the escape and relocation of anyone in the two states who is not a white, Christian male.

We would need to build the border wall, not on the border with Mexico, but around Missibama. Without people of color, Jews, and Muslims to blame and victimize, they would eventually turn against first themselves, and eventually their neighbors. It would be critical to keep their violence and hatred contained and only offer asylum to individuals who had learned the value of a pluralistic and free democracy.

The change would be costly, but without conservatives trying to derail our politics constantly, we could focus and building our economy and infrastructure. It would pay for itself with the resulting economic growth in less than a decade. Plus, we would not have to constantly fight for basic liberty and equality. By giving them an area to govern as they please, the rest of the country could move on.